— The pilot of my Austrian Air flight, which had to taxi back to the terminal because of a smoking oven in the kitchen. I should also add that Austrian Air stewardesses are dressed like villains from the Wizard of Oz; that the interior of the plane is decorated like a laser tag arcade; and that the pilot has a Schwarzeneggeresque accent which only makes this all the more comical. None of that, however, is quite enough entertainment to make less horrifying the fact that I’m sitting in the middle of a loud, bombastic church group going on a mission trip to Macedonia, a group whose comments about how the Eastern Orthodox hordes need to be converted are giving me an aneurism.

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